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Humor: Rebels Defy President-for-life Salovey

BREAKING: The group of self-styled revolutionaries who call themselves “Local 33” have begun their ultimate act of resistance against Yale’s authoritarian leader, President-for-life Peter Salovey.

Over the past 75 years, the Salovey Dynasty has committed a series of offenses against members of various opposition departments. Local 33 coalition members have announced that they will not eat until Salovey meets with them to negotiate an end to hostilities.

Aaron Greenberg, an elder of the Political Science Department, directed the construction of a rudimentary shelter using what few strings of fairy lights and scraps of AstroTurf™ they had remaining. Thunder cracked and rain beat the roof of the structure, but fasters stayed as warm as their decorative color scheme.

The shelter was modeled off of this subversive Pinterest post.

“We also drew a lot of inspiration from that crepe place on Whitney,” Greenberg said. “We were going for cold irony—a café for the foodless.”

As night descended quickly upon their encampment, Salovey’s military forces surrounded the area. They dared not attempt direct action while foreign media were present but looked on as embattled Local 33 members struggled in the glow of a single scented candle to enjoy the light reading they’d brought with them.

The Local 33 shelter, complete with potted plants and picnic tables.

Tomes like Ann Patchett’s Bel Canto—a thriller about a terrorist organization’s attempted assassination of an unnamed South American leader—and a collection of Neibuhr’s major works sat unread on the mahogany bookshelf.

Michael Denning of the American Studies Department spoke to the dangers assumed by participants in the ongoing struggle.

“They’re prepared to go on for as long as it takes for Salovey to engage with them. Or until they get hungry, in which case someone else will sub in. It’s whichever comes first.”

In keeping with traditional values such as narrative and metaphor, it appears that the hunger component to this strike is primarily symbolic. The brave souls are also receiving regular check-ups and maintain that green juice does not count as food.

A megaphone-wielding representative of the state media read from Salovey’s “little blue book,” her words resonating from within the chambers of the Schwartzman Center.

“Yale is first and foremost a military dictatorship. We refuse to submit to the demands of these vegans,” she pronounced.

The eight fasters have also given up coffee.

This article has not been fact-checked.


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