For months they had come out of the woodwork. Lifelong politicians, neurosurgeons, business moguls – all adding their name to the list of candidates for the Republican presidential bid in 2016. And apart from their desire to lead the free world, they all had something in common: horrible hair.
Then came the first Republican debate, when these candidates selfishly forced viewers across the nation to look at their pitiable collection of hairstyles. But brave Americans must do more than be appalled and offended. As citizens, duty implores us to parse the shame that is the Republican field of hair and separate the deplorable from the merely bad. To aid that work, here is everything you need to know about the conservative hair, a definitive ranking from worst to best:
16. Scott Walker
Where do I even begin? The part is lazy. The cut lacks all imagination. And that bald spot; I can’t imagine that this man did anything more than frantically rub Rogaine on that before appearing on national television, and in 2015 that simply is not enough. Did you know they have a surgery where they’ll take hair from the sides of your head and implant it on top? At the very least call one of those 1-800 numbers or get a piece like The Donald.
15. Donald Trump
Now about that piece. Is it or isn’t it? I did my duty as a serious journalist here and clocked the hours of research into whether Trump sports the hair he received in the womb. He appears to have gone through great pains to have various people touch his hair (yes, creepy and strange and yes, it’s mostly women he has do this) during televised events in an effort to show its authenticity. For the sake of argument I’ve ranked him here with a kind of Schrodingian acceptance of either reality. If this hair is real, it’s extremely unfortunate. But if this was selected by Mr. Trump then it’s even more of an embarrassment. Either way this man needs to apologize to America.
14. Marco Rubio
Throughout high school and college, Marco’s hair had been a model of reliability. But as he approached middle adulthood he noticed one morning that his steadfast mane had begun to thin. These days he shrugs it off and uses a little extra of his son Dominic’s Axe “Messy Look” styling gel each morning.
13. Chris Christie
Chris Christie appears to have just punted on the whole hairstyle thing in general. No product, no combing, honestly would be surprised if he even washes that stuff.
12. Ted Cruz
What’s your product of choice Teddy? Mousse? Gel? Pomade? Spray? Well, whatever it is, it isn’t working for you and there is simply too much of it. I can’t knock the hustle though because at least you’re trying. Lend Rand your comb.
11. George Pataki
Pataki’s hairstyle is the one given to the tenant at the assisted-living facility who keeps getting caught stealing sugar packets from the kitchen but still thinks he’s smooth enough to make passes at the nurses.
10. Bobby Jindal
A man once looked directly at Bobby Jindal’s part and was immediately rendered blind. Unable to see his own hands, the man was forced to leave his job at the factory. With no household income, his children slowly starved. Fearing for the children’s well-being and, frankly, embarrassed by her husband’s disability, his wife took a new lover to provide for them.
9. Rand Paul
Rand Paul’s haircut makes him look like he just invented the Facebook. Or that his body should be claymation. Anyway, I heard he’s running for office because he turned down an opportunity to play a 50-year-old Cory Matthews on a Boy Meets World reboot.
8. Mike Huckabee
Has anybody noticed how much this fellow looks like Richard Nixon? Listen up, Huckabee, when you bear such a striking resemblance to a president who abandoned the Oval in infamy, maybe you shouldn’t exacerbate that by going to the same barber he did. Set yourself apart, frost your tips.
7. Rick Perry
Rick Perry’s hair is not bad. It’s not good.
6. Rick Santorum
Imagine a first grader draws a stick figure for his take-home art assignment and then gets chewed out by his teacher the next day because it’s not realistic. So he draws some hair on it. That’s Rick Santorum’s hair. Physically pains me to almost have to put this guy in the top five but Rick Perry’s weird quaff and central part are just enough to give him the title of Superior Rick.
5. Carly Fiorina
This is the haircut of the mom at the PTA meeting who wants to remove dodgeball from the phys ed curriculum because she is afraid of the other children “roughhousing” with her son Thomas. She probably liked this haircut because it made it especially easy to tuck her hair into a shower cap (which yes she wears at the beach because her hair can get wet there too now can’t it?). Like the people above her, Carly is a beneficiary of a ludicrously weak field; this hair is shiny and frankly that is enough here to justify a top-five finish. But no, Ms. Fiorina, we will not serve almond milk in the cafeteria just because little Thomas is allergic to lactose.
4. Jeb Bush
Jeb takes very little risks with his ‘do. He’s probably gotten the same haircut since he was 12 and his parents thanked him for being “the easy one” and not causing any drama while Georgie insisted upon getting a mohawk and joining a hard rock cover band. That being said, this works for him. Yes, his ranking here is more a revelation of how impossibly low the bar has been set by his peers than a testament to any excellence from Jeb. Yet here we are, where an ordinary set of hairs garners someone elite status, and JB checks in at number four.
3. Ben Carson
Carson is the only GOP candidate that goes for the facial hair, and he pretty much nails it. Neat goatee, probably wet shaves with one of those fancy multi-blade operations with a trimmer and the whole nine. And he keeps the touch of gray to let you know the tux isn’t rented.
2. John Kasich
Kasich, you magnificent bastard. At first glance this hair appears similar to Jeb’s “well-shucks-I-done-combed-it-and-all” look, but upon closer inspection, Kasich has got a little more flair. The part is simple and the sides are short but there is a little length on the top which lets him get that little flip in the front. It’s a slightly modern (gasp) take on the crew cut, neat but stylish. He could show Cruz how much hair gel to use, enlighten Jindal on the art of the part, and tell Christie that a little effort goes a long way because the dude is putting on a clinic. Hell, maybe he could even save Walker. You’re the class of this joint, Kasich.
1. Mitt Romney
Now we’re talking. Look at that mane. Not a strand out of place but he manages such an impressive degree of volume on top. The type of glossy finish we see here along with that type of body and definition comes only with a high-end hair product. Listen up, peasants, put away that Garnier Fructis two-in-one and get a leave-in, salon-quality conditioner like someone who matters. Because you get what you pay for. Why isn’t this man running? Seriously, someone give him a bid, because he is killing the game.